Rules for Driving in Dallas

One of those emails that floats around.

  1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
  2. Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If in Denton County and your Mapsco is one-day-old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. (Frisco has screwed everything up.)
  3. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules… ‘Hold on and pray.’ There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas We all drive like that.
  4. All directions start with, ‘Get on Beltline,’ which has no beginning and no end. (It REALLY DOESN’T!!!)
  5. The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7 Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
  6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.
  7. Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that; we added George Bush Freeway, the High Five to the mix and now are building the LBJ Express!
  8. If someone actually has his or her turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually ‘Road Rage’ indicators – and remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas …
  9. All old ladies with blue hair in a Lexus have the right of way. Period. And remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas …
  10. Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road . On the south end, it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman …
  11. The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85 mph; anything less is considered downright sissy. Oh yes It also ends in Sherman !
  12. If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas , you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed… and remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas
  13. The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not ornamental!!
  14. A trip across town east to west will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.
  15. It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway ; don’t let this confuse you.
  16. LBJ is called ‘The Death Trap’ for two reasons: ‘death’ and ‘trap.’
  17. If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic or Colonial  is in the second round (if it’s Spring) – and it is the Texas State Fair if it’s Fall.
  18. If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park . Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, and possibly a gunshot wound. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.
  19. Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
  20. Final Warning: Don’t Mess with Texas Drivers … remember, it’s legal to be armed in Texas

Dale Hansen on Terrell Owen’s Departure

Dale Hansen, WFAA Sports Anchor
Dale Hansen, WFAA Sports Anchor

Dale Hansen is the head sports guy for WFAA TV in the Ft Worth, Texas area. One of my favorites as has always been his “unplugged” segments. This one is about the departure of Terrell Owens from the Dallas Bratboys, I mean Cowboys. Wasn’t able to get the video to work but here is the transcript of Hansen’s Unplugged segment:  You can watch the video on WFAA’s website.

Former Cowboys coach Bill Parcells, who never called Terrell Owens by name, says if you get rid of him, you get rid of half the problems this Cowboys team has.

And with half the problems gone now the other half should be easier to fix.

I’m having a little trouble giving Cowboys owner Jerry Jones credit for fixing the mess he himself created, but it’s a start. And maybe a good one.

It takes Jones a long time to admit he’s made a mistake, but he usually gets there and he has again.

It was raining and raining hard in Dallas the day Owens signed to play here and the day he goes the sun is up early and shines all day long. A coincidence maybe, but a metaphor certainly wherever he goes.

I am sick and tired of hearing the game announcers say almost every week they need to get the ball to Owens early, need to get him involved to keep him interested, need to call plays so the ball goes to him because it was always about him.

It’s not fair to the quarterback, not fair to the guy who calls the plays, either.

A Hall of Fame talent with a Pop Warner brain.

He was the spoiled kid on the playground who talked about winning, but only if he was the reason why.

Winning is never enough for a man like Owens. It’s not for a lot of guys who play games at the highest level, but the great ones get it. Too many don’t and Terrell Owens never has.

It’s always been Terrell Owens to me. I never once called him T.O. because I’ve always thought a nickname is a sign of affection.

I only use nicknames for the people I like or people I respect.

And I don’t respect players who waste the talent they have bouncing from one team to another because they can’t spell team if you spot ’em the t, the e and the a.

But now that Owens and the Cowboys have broken up, as hard as it probably was, maybe I should call him T.O. because I do love to see him go.

The acquisition of T.O. is one of many stupid decisions made by the Cowboys’  hapless owner Jerry Jones. Getting rid of Owens is a step in the right direction. Now if the Cowboys can just get rid of their owner. He needs to be dumped the way he did the only real Cowboy coach (Tom Landry).

Score One for the Little Guys

2007 DBU Patriots baseball team

The Dallas Baptist Patriots baseball team has been selected to play in the NCAA Division I National Tournament for the 1st time in school history. This is the Patriots 3rd season in Division I play. DBU is the 1st independent team other than Miami to be invited to NCAA Regional tournament since 1992.

Congratulations Guys!

HT: We Are Texas Baptists

Blessing in Disguise

Volunteers in San Angelo load boxes on a Wal-Mart TruckA tornado destroyed the R.G. Berry Distribution center in San Angelo, TX and as a result 180,000 pairs of new shoes had to be destroyed. The shoes were undamaged but due to insurance regulations the shoes were declared not available for sale or in-country distribution.

Alan Wilson of Templeton Construction was charged with disposing of the shoes. He did not like the idea of wasting new shoes. In looking for charity organizations to donate the shoes to Wilson met Carmen Nila, a member of PaulAnn Baptist Church. The year before the church held a shoe drive for Shoes for Orphan Souls. Through the efforts of Wilson and Nila instead of being destroyed the shoes were donated to Buckner’s Shoes for Orphan Souls. Also, Wal-Mart donated the use of its trucks to transport the shoes from San Angelo to Dallas.

HT: We Are Texas Baptists

Tribute to Tejas (Texas)

San Jacinto Monument Today in 1836 the Texican forces under the command of General Sam Houston defeated the Mexican troops led by General Antonio López de Santa Anna. The short but decisive battle took place near Buffalo Bayou (Houston). While the Mexican forces were taking a nap, Houston launched an attack on the Mexican camp. By the time the Mexican forces woke and figured out what was happening it was all over but the shouting. The entire battle lasted 18 minutes, making it one of the shortest battles in military history. Officially today is San Jacinto Day. Today’s post is in honor of those and other Texicans who fought for independence. Before you send comments about how the war between Texas and Mexico was really funded by the U.S. to steal Texas from Mexico I just want say that when my family first moved to Texas they became Mexican citizens. Well, enough serious stuff and learning on with the festivities and fun.

Texas Facts

  • Texas Flag framed by Mesquite TreeBeaumont to El Paso: 742 miles. Beaumont to Chicago: 770 miles. El Paso is closer to California than to Dallas.
  • The real Texas Rangers are a part of the Department of Public Safety (DPS). There are only 134 officers for the entire state with 254 counties in the state that most rangers cover 2-3 counties. No, the Rangers do not patrol the streets like in Walker Texas Rangers. That show is so messed up in many ways, that it would take several posts to cover. Also, they are nothing like an army or militia force that would be the Texas Guard (National Guard).
  • The King Ranch in Texas is bigger than the state of Rhode Island. Yes, that is one ranch not some fancy development called a ranch.
  • Don’t Mess with Texas is an anti-littering campaign. It didn’t come from the Alamo. The battle cry was Remember the Alamo! Remember Gonzales! Remember Goliad.
  • World’s first rodeo was in Pecos, July 4, 1883.
  • The Capital of Texas is seven feet taller than the U.S. capital.
  • The Flagship Hotel in Galveston is the only hotel in North America built over water.
  • More wool comes from the state of Texas than any other state in the United States. Edwards Plateau in west central Texas is the top sheep growing area in the country.
  • The Heisman trophy is named for John William Heisman the first full-time coach and athletic director at Rice University in Houston.
  • Texas is the only state to enter the United States by treaty instead of territorial annexation. Texas is also the only state legally allowed to fly its flag at the same height as the U.S. Flag.
  • Six flags have flown over Texas and eight governments.: Spain, France, (Spain), Mexico, Texas, U.S., Confederate (U.S.) So if you ever wondered where 6 Flags theme parks get their name it comes form Texas. The original 6 Flags Park is in Arlington, Tx. That is Arlington not Dallas. No they are not the same city.
  • The state was an independent nation from 1836 to 1845.
  • The first word spoken from the moon on July 20, 1969 was Houston.
  • 70% of the population of Texas lives within 200 miles of Austin.
  • Dr Pepper was invented in Waco in 1885. The Dublin Dr Pepper, 85 miles west of Waco, still uses pure imperial cane sugar in its product. There is no period after the Dr in Dr Pepper. Yes, I can tell the difference between regular Dr Pepper, Dublin Dr Pepper and even that fake stuff but that is another post.
  • Average yearly rainfall totals in West Texas are less than 8 inches while in East Texas totals exceed 56 inches.
  • Texas’ largest county is Brewster with 6,208 square miles. Compared to Rhode Island is only 1,545 square miles, Delaware with 2,489 square miles and Connecticut with 5,543.
  • The first suspension bridge in the United States was the Waco Bridge. Built in 1870 and still in use today as a pedestrian crossing of the Brazos River.

Sometime ago I got this one via email and decided to hang on to it. Hope you enjoy it, I found it amusing. Texas Logo With Hat

Rules for Living in Texas

  • Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
  • We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
  • It’s called a ‘gravel road’. I drive a pickup truck because I need or want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
  • They are cattle, and oil wells. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-20 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.
  • So you have a $60,000 car. We’re real impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that we drive 3 weeks a year.
  • Every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
  • Trucks are made to get dirty. Don’t bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my huntin’ camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won’t happen.
  • We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi, too. We got over it.
  • If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
  • Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for—bait.
  • Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
  • The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
  • Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks – because they want to. Our women are some of the best looking in the country.
  • We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age!
  • No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
  • When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices – salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce!
  • We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat… It AIN’T REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in San Antonio…. and real chili never met a tomato! Real chili doesn’t have beans. Think about how silly “Northern Chili sounds”. Chili was developed by the Vaqueros or Mexican cowboys.
  • You bring “Coke” into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it! You bring “Mary Jane” to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
  • High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a more fun to watch.
  • Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards – it spooks the fish.
  • Colleges? Try Texas A&M, Hardin-Simmons, Texas Tech and University of Mary Hardin-Baylor. They come outta there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.
  • We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, “Don’t Mess With Texas”.
  • Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston (President or General if you prefer) once said, “Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can’t make it without Texas!”

In honor of Texas eat some real barbecue or some thick sliced beef brisket served hot and with warm sauce. We don’t care how many sauces you have just so it is warm. Pulled should never be used in the same sentence with Brisket. It is served either sliced or chopped. No it won’t be dry if you thick slice it. Why is that people in Texas and Oklahoma can do what outsiders believe is impossible? No BBQ isn’t pork or chicken. If you are unclear about what real BBQ is read this. If you can’t find real BBQ then eat some Tex-Mex. No that is not Taco Bell, which is neither Mexican or food. If you don’t know what Tex-Mex is find the nearest On the Border. Yes, there is a difference between Tex-Mex and Mexican food. Every Texan living in exile knows that On the Border has good Tex-Mex. If you can’t find that cook a nice thick steak and throw some cheese enchilda’s on top and serve with Ranch Style Beans (or Texas Beans as they are called outside of Texas). Since my husband is an Aggie (graduate of Texas A&M) we will be attending our local Muster. Hope you have a happy San Jacinto Day.