TDZ Retrospective: Funny Preacher Stories

church.jpgOriginally Posted July 6, 2007

My granddad was a preacher. Actually he was my great-granddad. Granddad had a great sense of humor. Mealtimes were quite enjoyable especially when Granddad started telling stories. He had quite a collection of funny preacher stories. Usually his stories involved rookie preachers. By this time he had been a preacher for over 50 years. He was sort of a mentor for the rookie preachers. Most of the young preachers came from a nearby seminary and were also students.Granddad was a country preacher and many of the rookie preachers were from the city. One of my favorite stories involved one of these city boys. He had taken a new preacher to a little country church for services. It was summer and the church had no AC so all of the doors and windows were open. Well everything was going fine and the young preacher was doing well until in walked a skunk. The skunk paraded right down the aisle towards the pulpit. The young preacher noticed the skunk. He cautiously looked around the church for reactions from the congregants. To his surprise no one else seemed to even notice the skunk. Uneasily the preacher decided to ignore the skunk and keep preaching. Well the skunk kept on moving toward the front of the church. This plan seemed to be working until the skunk reached the platform and headed for the pulpit. Now the young preacher was really nervous. He scanned the audience for some sort of reaction. Surely someone in the congregation had noticed by this time. The audience appeared attentive but yet oblivious to the dilemma of the young preacher. The skunk moved closer to the preacher. Finally, the time for action had arrived and the preacher decided he had to do something immediately. He vaulted over the pulpit and ran out the back door.

Once outside he took a few minutes to catch his breath as he waited for others to follow. Several minutes passed and no one else followed. He decided to check out the situation. Cautiously he approached the door and peaked inside. What he saw amazed him, the congregation was still seated inside as if nothing had happened.

A few minutes later one of the deacons walked out of the church holding the skunk. By this time the young preacher was extremely nervous and very confused. The deacon looked at the preacher and said I guess no one told you about the neighbor’s pet skunk.

Church Clap

Take time to really listen to lyrics.

Church Clap
by KB  featuring Lecrae

Gimme that God Almighty
That good ol’ Bible
That old school doctrine
Gimme that truth for the body
Ain’t nothing new about it
But it’s still full of power

Now church clap, let me hear the church clap (church clap) [x4]

Gimme dat, church motha and they church hat, clap
Man the Suge Avery Color Purple comin back, clap uhh
When that whole week beat you up and stress ya
But you hear that organ playin it remind ya of ya blessins

And on anothat note, she just hit anotha note
Chills down my spine, got me cryin, make me over Lord
You’ont know about it though, ol’school church hymms
Speakers get to hummin now the drummer finna burst in
(Lordy, lordy, LORD) Can you hear me now
Church clothes sweaty, you’ont care you just get it now
Testify, how we made Matyrs outta these fathers and rose up all of his daughters to glorify Him with honor
Man I swear I saw Miss Jones with her hair did
Now its flyin everywhere she don’t care what her head did
She an heir, yea
Caught up in the air, yea
Probably why she clappin like Jesus just reappeared here

Gimme that God Almighty
That good ol’ Bible
That old school doctrine
Gimme that truth for the body
Ain’t nothing new about it
But it’s still full of power

Now church clap, let me hear the church clap (church clap) [x4]

I wanna be the type of dude to get the Lord on his feet
I wanna do the type of shows that the Lord wanna see
And what I mean, if I could make the whole church clap
but ain’t a clap in the heavens then that clap just a clap, clap
For the son glorified, sin mortified
The Holy Spirit’s going Word of Truth been watered down
It sound doctrine, Spurgeon and common uh
Nothing wrong with singing loud but that ain’t where the power’s at
For too long the church churches been clappin at weak sermons
Leavin the weak hurt, no one’s changed by Sunday’s service
We need discernment, check what you be affirmin
Cause a church can be full of members but empty in conversions
Preach the gospel, and stand back
Look for change lives not for hand claps
Love people well, Oh they can’t stand that
The church just a church when the word is where we stand at

Gimme that God Almighty
That good ol’ Bible
That old school doctrine
Gimme that truth for the body
Ain’t nothing new about it
But it’s still full of power

Now church clap, let me hear the church clap (church clap) [x4]

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Church Sign

Saw the following on a church sign:

A KJV-Only Church
Singing Old-Fashioned Hymns.

Every time I drive by that church I cringe when I see it. That sign really bugs me.

Just reading the sign causes questions and doubt to swirl through my head. What if I bring the wrong version of the Bible or wear the wrong thing. Will the people in that church shun me  or welcome me? They might not even let me in the door.The sign is so unfriendly and restrictive  that  would prevent me from e even consider visiting that church. I have never been to that church and I’m not sure if I even know anyone who attends the church. My only knowledge of that church is what I can glean from the sign. So it may be a very nice church full of friendly people.

I just don’t get the King James only thing. Yes, I am aware of the reasons supporting this viewpoint. Many believe the  I am also aware that the Geneva Bible predates the KJV by several years. The Bible was written in Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek not English. The New American Standard and English Standard Version are actually closer original language that other English translation.

The last part of the sign is both sad and amusing. It is sad because my dismissing modern worship they are missing out some well written and inspired worship from composers like Matt Redman, Chris Tomlin and many others.  I enjoy both hymns and modern worship so I wouldn’t want to give up hymns either.  What I find amusing is that the group the church belongs to once considered hymns as controversial because they were not from the Bible. It was considered scandalous to sing anything other than Psalms or other scripture.

Maybe a better use of the church sign would be to post a message of encouragement or even better a statement of welcome to all.

Year 3: July 2009 – June 2010

Highlights from the 3rd year of the The Dee Zone v 3.1.

05 July 2009: 3 Things

In Bible Study recently we discussed what does it really mean to be a Christian. Some have tried to turn being a Christian into a bunch of do’s and don’ts. So, being a Christian becomes just a bunch of rules. The word Christian literally mean’s Christ follower.  As Christians we should be imitators or followers of Christ. I think it is more than following rules. As we grow in our relationship with Christ we should become more like Him. So what does that look like in our lives if we focus on following Christ and not just a bunch of rules?  A good place to start is with three commands that Jesus gave. Continue…

U.S. Flag27 Aug 2009: God Guide Us

There is a business in our town that has a patriotic themed building. Among the decorations is a banner with the following:

God bless America, stand beside her and guide her.

Had to wait at the light near this business today and began thinking about that sign. The first thing that struck me was the last part “… and guide her.”  God is a gentleman and will not force his will on anyone, family, church, or even nation. He will only guide those who are willing to be led by him. More…

15 Sept 2009: Trust

Today marks the tenth anniversary of an event that was one of those darkest nights. It was this event that caused me to realize safety comes in knowing who holds our future and not our physical location. Things can happen even in places that are supposed to be safe.  Our trust belongs solely in God’s hands.  Many times in life I have found comfort, strength and encouragement from music, Shine On Us is one of those songs. Listen to the song.

9 Jan 2010: So Long and Good Luck, Timmy

Last Friday’s Sugar bowl marked the end of an era for Gator Nation.  It was the last game for one of most accomplished classes in Gator Football history.  Tim Tebow had an amazing run as the quarterback for the University of Florida. He won the Heisman as a sophomore. I really wasn’t in favor of Tebow winning the Heisman as a sophomore because I believe the award should be reserved for seniors. Yes, I think players shouldn’t be allowed to go to the NFL until at least after their junior year.  Tebow also graduated in December 2009. Graduating in 3 1/2 years is accomplishment for any student especially an athlete. More

11 April 2010: The Mission of the Church

The church’s mission is to reach others for Christ and to help them become mature followers of Christ. When our plans or priorities conflict with that mission we must change. The mission statement Christ issued for his followers is actually quite simple, “Go and Make Disciples“. Somehow along the way it is easy for a body of believers to forget that mission. Read the rest.

Top 1010 May 2010: Top 10 – Signs You Might Be A Nerd

This post was inspired by a recent conversation with The Big Guy. For some unexplained reason our conversation evolved or eroded to a discussion about our favorite search engine from back in the day (late 90′s/early 2000s).

#10: Your pet has a Facebook, MySpace, Twitter or blog page.

#9: You have more gaming systems than TVs.

#8: When moving to a new place the entertainment system and network are the first things setup. More...

07 June 2010: That Room

We moved into a new house at the first of May. I quickly had most of the house unpacked except one room. The room is supposed to be a guest room/office but became the dumping place for all boxes. I felt defeated every time I walked in the room and saw the mess. Continue

Year 2: July 2008-June 2009

This month begins the 5th year of the current version of The Dee Zone.

16 July 2008: Just Move Over

Today as I was on my way to work I observed one of my pet peeves. (Yes, I know you are probably wondering which one since I have so many.) Well, today’s rant is about knuckleheads who refuse to move over for emergency vehicles. More …

06 Aug 2008: C is for Cades Cove

Cades Cove is a part of the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. It is full of a variety of wildlife but also includes an 11-mile loop that features historic buildings from the late 1800′s and early 1900′s. The abundance of wildlife made a popular Cherokee hunting ground. Learn more …

05 Oct 2008: Thoughts on Church

Recently, I have been reconsidering church and what church is or should be.I have read several things that indicate many today see the church as irrelevant to their lives. One quote that really struck me was that many were not opposed to Christianity but just the organized church. The message of the Gospel is timeless and as relevant today as it was in the 1st century. Maybe it is our concept of church or the way we do church that is irrelevant. I have been analyzing my own experiences and thoughts about church. More…

23 Nov 2008: Real Housewives and Real Children (or Another One of My Rants)

Last night I couldn’t sleep as I was channel surfing I ran across The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I had never seen the show before but I read something this past week that Elf Nino’s Mom wrote about the antics of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. I am really not into reality shows, because most of them seem to feature a lot privileged people whining or type A personalities trying to outdo each other. The reality shows I watch are shows like Food Network Challenge or Trading Spaces. Continue Reading…

05 Dec 2008: Sky Watch Friday – Sailing Away

Taken near Bocca Grande, FLSee more

16 Jan 2009: Sky Watch Friday — Wind Turbines

Time Machine Effect: Crosshatch Process

 More Wind Turbines

06 Feb 2009: Sky Watch Friday: Church of the Heavenly Rest

See More

23 April 2009: Dual Citizenship

am proud to announce that this weekend I was bestowed with a very special honor.  The Big Guy and I became honorary citizens of Walt Disney World. Yes, that’s right I am now have Walt Disney World Citizenship. You may be wondering how this rare award was bestowed. Well, the Big Guy and I were given the pins below when we entered Disney’s Hollywood Studio this past weekend.

Pin we recieved at Walt Disney World.


02 May 2009: What Makes a Good Pastor?

Our church is in a period of transition. As a part of the process we were asked to complete a survey. Most of the survey focused on the type of pastor desired for the church. While pondering my responses I began thinking about the survey, vision for our church, and qualities I want in a pastor.

One of the first things that struck me was maybe I/we are asking the wrong questions. Instead making a list of qualities I/we want in a pastor shouldn’t I focus on what God wants.  It is possible that the leader God has chosen for our church is very different from the one I would pick out. Of course, it is also possible that I am actually being open to God’s leading and not influenced by my own personal biases.  Read the entire post.

Top 10: Top Posts for the 2009

Top 10Criteria Used: All post had to be written in the 2009 calendar year.

#10: ProvidenceJimmy at Keeping it Simple wrote a post recently inspired by the actions of Chesley B. Sullenberger, pilot of U.S. Airways Flight 1549. Sullenberger was able to safely land in the Hudson River. Surprisingly, everyone on the flight survived. As I read Jimmy’s post and listened to news reports, one word came to mind: Providence! — More

#9: Top 10: My Dream Music Festival Regular readers have probably figured out that I love music. Over the years I have been able to attend several concerts. I  have often thought of bands/artists that would be included in my ideal music festival. The best word to describe my line up is eclectic. More

#8:  What Makes a Good PastorOur church is in a period of transition. As a part of the process we were asked to complete a survey. Most of the survey focused on the type of pastor desired for the church. While pondering my responses I began thinking about the survey, vision for our church, and qualities I want in a pastor. — More

#7: Top 10: Best Burger Joints A compilation of my favorite burger places.  More

#6: Daves Highway Last week I someone posted a Daves Highway a video on Facebook. Sorry, I don’t remember who posted it. If you haven’t heard of these guys you need to check them out. Siblings  Delaney, Zachary and Erika Daves  make up the trio.  The group is from Brandon, MS.  The tight harmonies and vocals are amazing for a group still in their teens. The group’s repertory includes Christian, country and rock tunes.  Their cover of Jesus Messiah by Chris Tomlin.  May be my favorite. — Read More

#5: Michael Tait Joins the Newsboys – Yes, that is right Michael Tait has replaced Peter Furler as lead singer of the Newsboys. I had been hearing rumors of this for a while but it is offical. After 22 years with the group Furler will no longer be touring with the group. He will continue to write and produce plus make some appearances with the group. — Read More

#4: The Bucket List (Another Facebook Meme)Due to technical difficulties I’m not able to participate in ABC Wednesday this week. Hopefully, my computer will be back up soon. I have decided to respond to another Facebook Meme. I’ve been tagged several times for the Bucket List. — Read More

#3: Top 10: Tips for Walt Disney WorldA few years ago we had seasonal passes to Walt Disney World. That is one of the perks of living in Florida. Over the course of two years we learned quite a bit about the parks and some tips that might be helpful for visitors, especially from out of state. — Read More

#2: Top 10: Worst Movies Ever – So, this one is really a worst 10 list.  The Big Guy collaborated with me on this list. Read More

#1: Heroes: What Makes a Her0 The theme for National Blog Posting Month is heroes. Posting on the theme is optional but I am going to try to post something each week about heroes. Some would consider athletes, rock stars or other celebrities heroes. Or maybe heroes are those who show extraordinary bravery and selflessness. I have been thinking what qualities define a hero. — Read More

Open Letter to Fellow Believers

As I write this my heart is heavy and saddened by a recent incident. In this incident otherwise rational and reasonable adults became trapped in a web of gossip, rumors, assumptions and incomplete information.

As believers we are to be open to the Lord’s leadership. This means at times we are to put aside our personal preferences, presuppositions and comfort zones. Change is to be approached in prayerful manner rather than with fear and unwillingness. Those that know me, know I am naturally resistant to change, so at times this can be difficult. As Henry Blackaby says these times are often a crises of faith, where we are challenged to trust God rather than our own logic.

Further, it is important to watch what we say. Yes, once again this is something that is also a problem for me.  I think it is very important within a community of faith that we abstain from gossip.  Ephesians 4:29-32 is quit clear about this.

29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  (NIV)

In Ephesians 4:1-5 we are commanded to seek unity not stir up dissension,

1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.  3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.  4 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.  (NIV)

Our standard for what is said should be is it going to build up or tear down. Bring unity or peace? If the answer to one or both is negative then it is probably better to remain silent.

There is nothing more troubling to me that seeing disharmony within the community of faith. I grew up in a minister’s home and  have seen a lot of the ugly side of church.   I watched a community of believers be torn apart every couple of years by strife and dissension usually because someone did not get their way or got their feelings hurt. Other times the motivation was about control or power. All problems were blamed on the current pastor or leadership. Many times I heard if we get rid of our pastor or now that “he” is gone things will be better. Funny, thing is this group of believers went through close to 20 pastors in its first 30-35 years of existence.   Yet, each time the old pastor left the problems were still there. Getting a new pastor never solved anything because the problem was with attitudes of some in the congregation. Maybe emptying the pews rather than the pulpit would have been more effective in bringing about positive change. It was in this setting that I observed first hand what happens when a body of believers refuses to follow the leading of God.

Note: To those that know me personally please do not ask about the incident that inspired this post or leave comments that directly mention the incident.